In the first decade (1-10 yrs) of my life, I was an abandoned child and an immigrant to normality. In the second decade (11-20 yrs) I found my tribes and unrequited love. In the third decade (21-30 yrs) I was a wanderer - looking for my destiny, my passion. In the fourth decade (31-40 yrs) I was a student quenching a deep thirst for learning. In the fifth decade (41-50 yrs) I was a family man and a beginning careerist, finding roots and a formal place in the world. In the sixth decade (51-60 yrs) I was a divorced single dad, who lost and then found in a deeper way his family and built my true calling.
I wonder now what my seventh decade will bring?
If becoming 30 represents the real entry into adulthood - then turning 60 represents a traditional entry in elderhood, becoming an elder - a new stage of life. I've become a grandparent, something I struggled with that also represents official entry into the world as an elder. I wasn't ready for this, I was and am still an active parent and more saliently, my inner age remains in my late 40s.
In this last year I have been like a dog going round and round until it settles and lies down - I'm am coming to terms with being sixty, coming close to accepting the idea of being an elder in this decade of my life. We are living longer and healthier, so maybe I'm an explorer in emerging elderhood. Five more years and I will be eligible for senior discounts.
My thirties was my decade of student-hood - the first stage of my first Saturn return (it takes Saturn about 29 years to complete an orbit around the sun). My sixties represent the first stage of my second Saturn return.
But what is relevant to this blog, my reflections of being male and understanding my particular masculinity, is that my thirties were a burning intellectual journey to understand the fear of men. I've posted both my M.A. Thesis An Epistemology of Gender and my B.A. Hon Thesis The Influence of Feminism and the Observed Crisis of the Present Day Male’s PassageInto Manhood.
These work were and are a major accomplishment of my intellectual search. They are dated and limited (written before the Web and the vast sea of accessible research)- yet as I re-read them, to post them, I am still proud of their basic ideas. Today there is so much more literature out there, yet in their essence I think they still stand.
It was in my thirties, through the relationships, experiences and intellectual journey of those years, that I feel I became a man and entered manhood. Where I face the fear of men.
Perhaps in my sixties - I will be able to dissolve those fears.
Great post. I have great faith in your ability to dissolve whatever obstacles you come across in your journey :)
ReplyDeleteLoving your material lately John. Nothing makes me examine my own life and my own path than your words, so full of not only personal, humble, wisdom, but outright, unashamed honesty.
ReplyDeleteWhile I see, and even somewhat echo your desire to dissolve your fears, I personally believe, at least in my current position in life, that my similar fears keep me sharp, awake, and alive.
I feel that removing this "zest" of fear will make me complacent and stop playing observer - not of others, ut of my own life.
Jon many thanks for these kind words and wonderful insight. You are absolutely right about the edge/zest that fear can provide, especially to keep us from becoming complacent.
DeleteThere is a profound difference from the 'heightened awareness' of a sense of fear, which is useful and the blind entrapment in a narrative/paradigm, which we often don't even see - we can only see what comes through our filters, but not our filters per se. At some point we can become aware the we have filters, and evolve to the point of having some choice over our filters.
However, our personal narrative is the key 'paradigm' that enables us to organize our experiences. Narrative/filters are essential to way we make life make sense. But the sense we make of life is shaped by our fundamental story/narrative. To change our narrative is a true journey into an uncertain, unknown and uncomfortable world. This is a really hard thing to do. :)
So the dissolving of our fears, is in a sense a trust/faith for diving into the unknown - for boldly going. But the most important part of dissolving our fears when we boldly go - is the embrace of discomfort the lets us form a new narrative/story that will help of organize-make-coherent, a new story of our selves.
In essence, the zest is better served, not by fear, but by open-ended, trusting, wonder. :)
thank you Jon,